quick clarification

when i say that yesterday was the first time i felt a bit of "alright" even happiness... i mean without much outside stimulus. when i was hanging out with sarah i was happy, when i was being silly with eva i was happy, when i play with roscoe i am happy. but usually, i don't need anything outside myself to feel legitimately happy. that is one of things that i like most about myself. sometimes for no reason at all i would feel happy - like real deep down, butterflies in tummy happy, with no outside stimulus whatsoever. that is what i felt yesterday and it good and i felt like myself again for a moment. just wanted to make sure that was communicated. it's not like i've been bar none miserable since the 11th... it's just been harder to get happy than it usually is for me. i think school is going to play a big role in this. i really love teaching - it gives me a sense of purpose and makes me feel productive and successful. while following a puppy around my apartment and bouncing around from friend to friend doesn't suck... it doesn't do the same thing for me emotionally that teaching does. i don't think anything ever will.

that being amended - i am going to shower which i need to do very very badly.

waging war against ennui

i've found the busier i stay, the less unhappy i am. i think yesterday was the first day i felt a moment of "alright" even happiness. i went into school to talk with doris about planning the rest of the second unit and to organize a bit. i saw a bunch of people and the atmosphere was good, relaxed. i sat down with the head of guidance nancy st.clair. she was the one who helped me through all the tough student situations i had to deal with at the end of last year... she mentioned that she had gotten a few calls from parents requesting me for their student's sophomore year (my freshmen last year). she had to tell them that i wasn't teaching that grade... it felt good. really good to hear that. i like to think that i don't need any affirmation or support like that - that i can manage without it and truck along fueled on my own sense of self. i do most of the time, but i guess the residual effect of last spring's events left a bit of taste in my mouth and not a good taste. nancy's comment that i had a "seamless year" and "a gift with unreachable students" cleaned my palate and really got me pumped for this year. i left the building with a spring in my step thinking, "this might be alright. this really might be alright!" so now i am not only looking forward to getting to know and love my new kids, but i am looking forward to being in the school. the realist in me understands that it will still suck sometimes and it will unequivocally be hard in the all the ways it was hard last year but the optomist wants to think that at the very least it will be a touch less hard.

while i was at school i left the puppy with my mom so he could play and when i got home he was wagging his tail like mad, more so than he had ever done before. i always thought it was a bit strange how he would wag his tail a lots and a lots at my mom and other family members - i figured it was because he saw me all the time... since yesterday he's been wagging his tail more. i think he can sense that i am feeling a bit lighter, a bit more hopeful.

as i mentioned before, the busier i stay, the more distracted i am which i think is going to have to be the main goal for now. i've been reaching out to a lot of friends in the area because sarah has been gone about 75% of the time... about 20% of the time we are asleep so it's been hard. i know she feels bad but she's seeing this guy in white plains and i don't blame her for not wanting to hang out with me in the funk i've been in. i've mostly wanted to hang out at the apartment, watch movies and play with the puppy. i figure i have limited time to do this before i start teaching again and lose my life. needless to say it's been pretty lonely at the apartment... i think the longest stretch was sunday night into tuesday... she's been back more since thankfully. last night we hung out properly for the first time since i've been back and had a blast, i missed that. anyways, a friend of mine is moving to the city so that will be fun - he is mad literary like me so we can be nerd together and talk about books. another friend of mine from high school is thinking about becoming a teacher so he's been asking me lots of questions, he is going to come over later after he takes the praxis to meet the puppy and hang out so that should be good times. i'm lucky to have friends still in the area i can harass mercilessly until i'm feeling myself again (that's what she said?)

at my parents' house now, going to watch an amazing documentary series called "most evil" with my brother and john so that should be good news.

surprisingly eventful

was initiated into the world of owning a dog this morning when i had to bathe roscoe at 6:30 this morning after me stepped in his own... well... you can guess. awesome. good thing he's cute and now he smells like pears!

hung out at my parents house with roland and john for a while while i waited to take the pup to his first vet appointment - we watched dexter. god damn i love that show. at the vet, the doctor said that roscoe is going to be a big guy with a great disposition and has a great heart (literally - a loud ticker - all strong and shit!). he had to go back for shots and a clipping and... the next bit of story requires a small bit of context - my mom had been telling me that every time i leave roscoe with her he wouldn't fuss or whine or cry or pace but would watch me leave, wait a minute to see if i was coming back and then throw his head back and howl a big long bellowing howl and then head back to play. i had never heard it so i thought she must be exaggerating... until today. when i left him in the exam room so he could get his shots i could see him through an observation window but he couldn't see me - he stood and looked at the door and then threw his tiny furry head back, closed his eyes, and howled like someone had died. it broke my heart. but as my mom said a minute later he was alright... dogs really are amazing - especially roscoe. he manages to be really loving (when he sits on my lap he rests his head on my chest and stares up at me - everytime he does it i am a goner...) but totally independent at the same time. he'll go off and play for an hour but every 15 minutes or so will come to "check in." i am not sure if it is to see that i am still there and watching or because he is watching out for me... i have a feeling i will figure that out as he gets older. anyways - rambling again - he got his shots, behaved beautifully and everyone fell in love at the vet's office... i love having a dog that is so well behaved and i can take wherever i want and i never have to worry about him barking or jumping up or getting hyper or making a mess... i am so lucky.

i got back from the vet's office and my parents had to head off to norwalk hospital to visit joey "lemons" limone and his wife at the hospital (everyone is alright - funny story involving a kid head butting someone - the not so funny punchline of tracey in the hospital for nerve damage). while they were out i watched "the bad seed" which came out in '56. it was AMAZING. completely unnerving and at 126 minutes long it subtely and beautiful builds suspense almost unnoticeably until about an hour into the movie when you realize your face is contorted and you are clenching your jaw. the end of the film is astounding and then... for the credits... instead of letting them role by with music that should match the mood the movie leaves you in (unnerved, upset, and thoughtful) they turn on like ragtime and then each of the characters bow and it COMPLETELY shattered the illusion. it was bizarre for sure. however, even though they shattered the ending tone, i still made the dogs go into the basement with me to change into my pjs because i was still pretty freaked out.

tired now - roscoe is too... he is furiously biting his own arm (a common "moooom i'm tired, put me to bed please" signal). drifting off while thinking of hot air balloons and knee deep mud.

excitable puppy and possible murder.

roscoe woke me up around 6:30 this morning by rustling around in his cage... he never yaps, just rustles and stares which is usually enough to wake me up. took him outside... where he proceeded to stare at me for no apparent reason for about 15 minutes. fed him breakfast... during which he proceeded to stare at me for no apparent reason for about 15 minutes while chewing. i got back into bed hoping i would get a touch more sleep figuring he would probably just settle in and sleep again (like he usually does in the mornings) but not on this morning. he tore into his toys and lolloped around the apartment in full puppy force - i therefore had to sleepily follow him around the apartment because i made the mistake two nights ago of not following him from room to room, thinking it was ok to change and then go into the living room after he had gone in there on his own. by the time i had put my pajamas on and walked across the apartment, he had eaten a sizeable amount of brown oil paint. awesome. convinced he was going to start convulsing and then die, i googled pet posion control and surprisingly found a 1-800 number to call (i guess a lot of people have pets that retardedly ingest dangerous items). i phoned them straight away expecting a help line and a 5 minute conversation... what i got was an automated message that stated i wouldn't be able to speak to anyone without first paying 60 dollars. eff that... i called the emergency vet down the street who told me... get this... i wouldn't be able to speak with them until i called the posion control hotline and paid the 60 dollars. eff that also... i googled that shit and found out that if you burn burn burn toast it acts the same was as activated charcoal which leeches the toxins out of the tummy. he munched it happily and i stayed up on puppy vigil until about 2. he was fine, i was exhausted. that was pretty much the first real "dog mom" lesson i've learned - my dog can't be trusted and will eat anything he comes across. anything (i found a small piece of copper tubing in his mouth this morning... seriously, where the hell did that come from...)

anywho, i brought roscoe over to grandma janet day camp so i could get to new haven to move eva out of her old classroom into her new one at her new school. the trip was quick but while moving stuff out we got yelled at by a particularly choade like janitor who accused me of ruining his floors with my "scuffling feet." we made our way over to the new school where we started to unpack the millions of boxes of supplies they left her. eva opened her first box and it was books... i open my first box and it was the personal effects of last year's teacher... including photos, keys, keepsakes... it was bizarre. i am convinced she is dead or committed some sort of crime she needed to escape from and that is why she left everything behind. eva is convinced i am crazy. however, here is a photo of the box of the bizzare personal effects left behind that started my suspicions:

after going through the box these are the pieces of evidences i believe prove foul play in some capacity

items include:
1. saline solution
2. unknown odorless liquid in glass vile
3. head of a doll with gouges in face
4. ignore the paintbrush.

i secretly want to solve crimes. no really. i want to like dust for finger prints and like pin stuff on a cork-board and connect things with red string, and sit in a dark car and eat cheetos while on a stake out. i think i'd be good at most of it - except for being brooding and intense. i am mostly just uncontrollably excited and embarrassingly enthusiastic. i'd probably show up at forensics and chirp "did you run the splatter analysis?! did ya? did ya? did ya? splatter analysis is awesome, isn't it. can i play with your analysis meter? please?" i don't know if they even use a meter for splatter analysis... regardless... solving crimes... awesome.

time for sleep now and a bit of interwebz surfing. after that going to settle in to watch "the color of money" paul newman is awesome... i know someone who is more awesome though.