when i say that yesterday was the first time i felt a bit of "alright" even happiness... i mean without much outside stimulus. when i was hanging out with sarah i was happy, when i was being silly with eva i was happy, when i play with roscoe i am happy. but usually, i don't need anything outside myself to feel legitimately happy. that is one of things that i like most about myself. sometimes for no reason at all i would feel happy - like real deep down, butterflies in tummy happy, with no outside stimulus whatsoever. that is what i felt yesterday and it good and i felt like myself again for a moment. just wanted to make sure that was communicated. it's not like i've been bar none miserable since the 11th... it's just been harder to get happy than it usually is for me. i think school is going to play a big role in this. i really love teaching - it gives me a sense of purpose and makes me feel productive and successful. while following a puppy around my apartment and bouncing around from friend to friend doesn't suck... it doesn't do the same thing for me emotionally that teaching does. i don't think anything ever will.
that being amended - i am going to shower which i need to do very very badly.
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