waging war against ennui

i've found the busier i stay, the less unhappy i am. i think yesterday was the first day i felt a moment of "alright" even happiness. i went into school to talk with doris about planning the rest of the second unit and to organize a bit. i saw a bunch of people and the atmosphere was good, relaxed. i sat down with the head of guidance nancy st.clair. she was the one who helped me through all the tough student situations i had to deal with at the end of last year... she mentioned that she had gotten a few calls from parents requesting me for their student's sophomore year (my freshmen last year). she had to tell them that i wasn't teaching that grade... it felt good. really good to hear that. i like to think that i don't need any affirmation or support like that - that i can manage without it and truck along fueled on my own sense of self. i do most of the time, but i guess the residual effect of last spring's events left a bit of taste in my mouth and not a good taste. nancy's comment that i had a "seamless year" and "a gift with unreachable students" cleaned my palate and really got me pumped for this year. i left the building with a spring in my step thinking, "this might be alright. this really might be alright!" so now i am not only looking forward to getting to know and love my new kids, but i am looking forward to being in the school. the realist in me understands that it will still suck sometimes and it will unequivocally be hard in the all the ways it was hard last year but the optomist wants to think that at the very least it will be a touch less hard.

while i was at school i left the puppy with my mom so he could play and when i got home he was wagging his tail like mad, more so than he had ever done before. i always thought it was a bit strange how he would wag his tail a lots and a lots at my mom and other family members - i figured it was because he saw me all the time... since yesterday he's been wagging his tail more. i think he can sense that i am feeling a bit lighter, a bit more hopeful.

as i mentioned before, the busier i stay, the more distracted i am which i think is going to have to be the main goal for now. i've been reaching out to a lot of friends in the area because sarah has been gone about 75% of the time... about 20% of the time we are asleep so it's been hard. i know she feels bad but she's seeing this guy in white plains and i don't blame her for not wanting to hang out with me in the funk i've been in. i've mostly wanted to hang out at the apartment, watch movies and play with the puppy. i figure i have limited time to do this before i start teaching again and lose my life. needless to say it's been pretty lonely at the apartment... i think the longest stretch was sunday night into tuesday... she's been back more since thankfully. last night we hung out properly for the first time since i've been back and had a blast, i missed that. anyways, a friend of mine is moving to the city so that will be fun - he is mad literary like me so we can be nerd together and talk about books. another friend of mine from high school is thinking about becoming a teacher so he's been asking me lots of questions, he is going to come over later after he takes the praxis to meet the puppy and hang out so that should be good times. i'm lucky to have friends still in the area i can harass mercilessly until i'm feeling myself again (that's what she said?)

at my parents' house now, going to watch an amazing documentary series called "most evil" with my brother and john so that should be good news.