my glasses got all scratched because i accidentally put them in my purse without the case and there is still "weston-super-mud" sand at the bottom of the main compartment... they are giving me a headache... now i have to buy new ones... and i totally don't want to because i am lazy and they are 25 dollars which, in my opinion is far too much for a pair of reading glasses.
oh well.
my bad...
silly a lauren.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
feeling much better...
... but having a bit of an odd weekend.
got tons of work done yesterday, took the pup to the dog park for the first time which was insanely lovely. it's perfect out, just perfect. cool air, warm sun, painfully blue sky, lovely air. he had a blast and is now sleeping under my feet (after i had to tether him to my desk because he likes to wander around the apartment ripping up paper and stealing undergarments). went to the city on friday to see a friend from high school. it was alright - ended up on bleecker and couldn't stop thinking about april. it was nice to remember but also a bit sad.
... as for the odd bit.
my dad's best friend was diagnosed with prostate cancer. cancer happens often enough and it's not anyone in my immediately family but it's still making me feel off. at first i didn't really know how to feel but my heart decided exactally how i should feel when i was sitting on the couch with my dad and he called another friend (joey lemons) and ended up talking with his wife (the one who's spine got compressed) for a while... this is what my dad said (give or take a word or two)...
"matt (the one with cancer) was having trouble telling me and i ended up finding out from ginny (matt's NUTCASE of an ex-wife who posted it on facebook - yah, she's a winner). i text him "i know" and matt tried to deny it but finally told me about the diagnosis and bone scan. i told him he should let joe know right away because he'll want to help. matt couldn't do it and asked me if i could. of course i said yes because i can't imagine how hard that would be. but when i picked up the phone i just stared at the numbers and couldn't dial for a while. i couldn't believe how hard it was to have to tell one of your best friends one of your other best friends is sick... with cancer."
... that's when his voice broke and i really thought i was going to be sick. i didn't say anything or hug him or anything just then because i knew that would just make it harder for him. when he got off the phone i just had him watch this neat Nat-Geo show about Japanese Makacks (Monkeys) who like to hang out in hot tubs and that made him smile. He just kept telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was to see me (he hadn't seen me for about a week which is odd because I had been over most days with the puppy). He was sad but seemed to be feeling better... and then over the course of the few hours I was there my mom cuddled up to my dad on the couch, gave him a surprise hug in the kitchen, and said "i love you" in a silly voice (i guess i know who i get it from now!)... my mom is TOTALLY not like that ever. in fact, i can't remember the last time i actually physically heard them say "i love you." i've never once doubted that they do but they just don't say it in front of us. on top of that the hugs and cuddles. the last time i saw those things happen so close together was when my grandpa joe died... when i was 11... he must be really hurting and my mom must be trying to make him feel better. i get a little emotionally retarded in situations like this - i don't think i can talk to my dad about this but what i can, will, and will be happy to do is hang out with him more and tell him i love him lots and lots.
ontop of that my cousin vanessa contact me. she is the step daughter of my uncle mike (my mom's brother who disappeared last july). now, vanessa isn't blood related but she might as well be. she was asking if anyone knew where he was and how it's hard to not know where your father was and everytime she hears a helicopter she wonders if he's jumped from the jamestown bridge. my mom never addresses it and when i ask her she just says "he's fine, he's probably just living in a shack in the woods eating squirrels he's killed with a sling shot." but i am not sure - i feel like she's actually letting anyone know how she feels. that's who she is, i understand that. but... i don't know. it was her last "family member." her dad, my grandpa joe (who was the most amazing man ever) died when i was 11, her mother, my grandma june, for all intensive purposes did too, and now uncle mike is gone. i know she has us kids and my dad but there is nothing that can ever really replace parents or siblings and on holidays, mother's day, father's day, and birthdays i feel so sad for her that it almost makes me awkward around her (because i'd obviously never say anything to her...)
so with uncle mike and matt i am feeling a bit sad - nothing too extreme just unsettled, i guess.
those things aside, i've been feeling so so so so much better. still struggling with balancing life and work but i have a feeling that will just never ever get better so i might as well get used to it in anyway that i can.
i am going to go and grade papers while watching tommy boy.
got tons of work done yesterday, took the pup to the dog park for the first time which was insanely lovely. it's perfect out, just perfect. cool air, warm sun, painfully blue sky, lovely air. he had a blast and is now sleeping under my feet (after i had to tether him to my desk because he likes to wander around the apartment ripping up paper and stealing undergarments). went to the city on friday to see a friend from high school. it was alright - ended up on bleecker and couldn't stop thinking about april. it was nice to remember but also a bit sad.
... as for the odd bit.
my dad's best friend was diagnosed with prostate cancer. cancer happens often enough and it's not anyone in my immediately family but it's still making me feel off. at first i didn't really know how to feel but my heart decided exactally how i should feel when i was sitting on the couch with my dad and he called another friend (joey lemons) and ended up talking with his wife (the one who's spine got compressed) for a while... this is what my dad said (give or take a word or two)...
"matt (the one with cancer) was having trouble telling me and i ended up finding out from ginny (matt's NUTCASE of an ex-wife who posted it on facebook - yah, she's a winner). i text him "i know" and matt tried to deny it but finally told me about the diagnosis and bone scan. i told him he should let joe know right away because he'll want to help. matt couldn't do it and asked me if i could. of course i said yes because i can't imagine how hard that would be. but when i picked up the phone i just stared at the numbers and couldn't dial for a while. i couldn't believe how hard it was to have to tell one of your best friends one of your other best friends is sick... with cancer."
... that's when his voice broke and i really thought i was going to be sick. i didn't say anything or hug him or anything just then because i knew that would just make it harder for him. when he got off the phone i just had him watch this neat Nat-Geo show about Japanese Makacks (Monkeys) who like to hang out in hot tubs and that made him smile. He just kept telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was to see me (he hadn't seen me for about a week which is odd because I had been over most days with the puppy). He was sad but seemed to be feeling better... and then over the course of the few hours I was there my mom cuddled up to my dad on the couch, gave him a surprise hug in the kitchen, and said "i love you" in a silly voice (i guess i know who i get it from now!)... my mom is TOTALLY not like that ever. in fact, i can't remember the last time i actually physically heard them say "i love you." i've never once doubted that they do but they just don't say it in front of us. on top of that the hugs and cuddles. the last time i saw those things happen so close together was when my grandpa joe died... when i was 11... he must be really hurting and my mom must be trying to make him feel better. i get a little emotionally retarded in situations like this - i don't think i can talk to my dad about this but what i can, will, and will be happy to do is hang out with him more and tell him i love him lots and lots.
ontop of that my cousin vanessa contact me. she is the step daughter of my uncle mike (my mom's brother who disappeared last july). now, vanessa isn't blood related but she might as well be. she was asking if anyone knew where he was and how it's hard to not know where your father was and everytime she hears a helicopter she wonders if he's jumped from the jamestown bridge. my mom never addresses it and when i ask her she just says "he's fine, he's probably just living in a shack in the woods eating squirrels he's killed with a sling shot." but i am not sure - i feel like she's actually letting anyone know how she feels. that's who she is, i understand that. but... i don't know. it was her last "family member." her dad, my grandpa joe (who was the most amazing man ever) died when i was 11, her mother, my grandma june, for all intensive purposes did too, and now uncle mike is gone. i know she has us kids and my dad but there is nothing that can ever really replace parents or siblings and on holidays, mother's day, father's day, and birthdays i feel so sad for her that it almost makes me awkward around her (because i'd obviously never say anything to her...)
so with uncle mike and matt i am feeling a bit sad - nothing too extreme just unsettled, i guess.
those things aside, i've been feeling so so so so much better. still struggling with balancing life and work but i have a feeling that will just never ever get better so i might as well get used to it in anyway that i can.
i am going to go and grade papers while watching tommy boy.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
a good night's sleep has done the trick
for the most part... still struggling with the things mentioned but at least i've come down from the hysteria reached last night. the zenith, without question, was when i had roscoe out for his nightly walk and he wouldn't go to the bathroom and i envisioned him waking me up again at 2 in the morning so i burst into tears on the front law as sarah and our neighbor came home. sarah hugged me and i sobbed for a while as the neighbor in a rush of awkwardness fumbled with her keys to get into her apartment. i cried about everything from how i was feeling lonely to how i don't like my new bookcase. i think i just needed to get it out of my system. it looked like sarah had been hit by a truck, i guess i've been hiding everything pretty well. she came home pretty much straight away after work which means a lot to me, even if it wasn't on purpose.
i've also tried today to be better with calling people and spent a bunch of time on the phone. while i know i "did good," i am again behind on work and am presently struggling with how to set up a seating chart for my period 2 "yahoos" as my psuedo-father matt calls them. as mentioned earlier, i really do like them as a class. they are funny and i have fun with them and i know that if i am able to wrangle them i can really teach them a lot. i already have a feeling this will be my pet class. i just hope they take to me like i've already taken to them... in honor of that here are few amsuing/ fustrating anecdotes about the yahoos... but they are my yahoos so that makes it almost ok...
in the computer lab, drimal asked if our dogs could have a play date and then the rest of the dream team (smith, forrester, tessler, nusbaum and sargent) drilled me about my love life, finishing with the comment "maybe you'll find a husband in this class."
in the classroom, i am pretty sure one of them whistles at me when i write on the board but i can't prove a) who it is b) what the intent is. i'd call them on it if it didn't seem incredibly egotistical to assume they are cat calling me when they could just have a joke among themselves - this will have to be monitored and figured out.
tessler has been sitting in the classroom before the bell rang for about ten minutes. once it went and class had started he asked me if he could print out his paper in the writing center next door, i immediately said "no, you should have done that when you were sitting around." to which he responded, "are you serious? you'd rather have it a day late then let me go now" and i said "it has nothing to do with me - you can't go." as i collected the papers i looked up and noticed he had gone anyway. when he came back he filled out this survey i had made and made a wry and really snotty comment about how the perfect teacher (the last question on the survey) is someone that would let him go to the writing center. when i read it i made a sarcastic comment about it to him and at the end of class i called him out on it and he said "there are people coming in late and who don't even have it so i don't understand why this is a big deal" to which i replied with "that is a fair observation but this isn't about them, it's about you, next time, please, for me, just print out before class." he flippantly said "yah" and walked out. whatever, i am not going to suck up to a kid. i am going to be fair and kind and respectful and if he doesn't like me regardless, we both will deal.
there is without question more where that came from but i am tired now and getting behind on work and it's getting late and i think i just thew up in my mouth. more work while roscoe chews on a bone under my desk.
parent's night tomorrow - it's look like another 15 hour day. god help me.
i've also tried today to be better with calling people and spent a bunch of time on the phone. while i know i "did good," i am again behind on work and am presently struggling with how to set up a seating chart for my period 2 "yahoos" as my psuedo-father matt calls them. as mentioned earlier, i really do like them as a class. they are funny and i have fun with them and i know that if i am able to wrangle them i can really teach them a lot. i already have a feeling this will be my pet class. i just hope they take to me like i've already taken to them... in honor of that here are few amsuing/ fustrating anecdotes about the yahoos... but they are my yahoos so that makes it almost ok...
in the computer lab, drimal asked if our dogs could have a play date and then the rest of the dream team (smith, forrester, tessler, nusbaum and sargent) drilled me about my love life, finishing with the comment "maybe you'll find a husband in this class."
in the classroom, i am pretty sure one of them whistles at me when i write on the board but i can't prove a) who it is b) what the intent is. i'd call them on it if it didn't seem incredibly egotistical to assume they are cat calling me when they could just have a joke among themselves - this will have to be monitored and figured out.
tessler has been sitting in the classroom before the bell rang for about ten minutes. once it went and class had started he asked me if he could print out his paper in the writing center next door, i immediately said "no, you should have done that when you were sitting around." to which he responded, "are you serious? you'd rather have it a day late then let me go now" and i said "it has nothing to do with me - you can't go." as i collected the papers i looked up and noticed he had gone anyway. when he came back he filled out this survey i had made and made a wry and really snotty comment about how the perfect teacher (the last question on the survey) is someone that would let him go to the writing center. when i read it i made a sarcastic comment about it to him and at the end of class i called him out on it and he said "there are people coming in late and who don't even have it so i don't understand why this is a big deal" to which i replied with "that is a fair observation but this isn't about them, it's about you, next time, please, for me, just print out before class." he flippantly said "yah" and walked out. whatever, i am not going to suck up to a kid. i am going to be fair and kind and respectful and if he doesn't like me regardless, we both will deal.
there is without question more where that came from but i am tired now and getting behind on work and it's getting late and i think i just thew up in my mouth. more work while roscoe chews on a bone under my desk.
parent's night tomorrow - it's look like another 15 hour day. god help me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
next time...
i promise a post that isn't so negative... hopefully that will be soon but i am having a hard time finishing my work so i need to limit some of the distractions until i get back on track... stupid grading.
god hates me i think
i am so tired i actually feel like i am dying... like i think this might be what dying feels like. i had these plans to write this awesome posting about hilarious stuff my students said/ wrote today. but i ended up getting back late from school, took the dog over to my mom's to play while i worked but instead i just ended up staring at the papers incomprehensibly. around 5:30 i headed home and stopped by to say hi to pete before i took the puppy to puppy kindergarten. that went fine... roscoe was great as usual. pete was supposed to come and hang out with me and sarah but i was so tired i just couldn't imagine even looking at someone else let alone talking to someone else so i had to call and cancel. i finally stumbled into the apartment around 8:30... making it 15 hours out of the house. it's the second week of school and i want to just be caught up with grading, not even ahead and because i've chosen to "socialize" and "be happy" i am easily twice as miserable as i was at my most stressed out last year. i didn't even enjoy puppy kindgarten - i always enjoy puppy kindergarten. maybe i'm just exhausted, maybe i am just sad and maybe i'll feel totally different in the morning. this is very possible. but right life feels pretty stupid and futile and... wake up tired, go to work tired, teach tired, get home tired, play with puppy tired, do work if able tired, go to be tired, wake up to take puppy out in the middle of the night tired... wake up tired...
i just want to sleep until my life gets sorted because the middle bits are a huge pain in the ass. i want my stuff to be graded, i want my life to be balanced, i want my dog to stop trying to shred my quilt and having to go to the bathroom at 2 in the morning. i want every teacher in the school to stop trying to scare me about my period 2. i want to not be lonely. i want to like talking on the phone so people will stop giving me shit. i want my roommate to be around more than 3 hours a week. i want to have enough energy to actually take walks in the evening.
i just want to sleep until my life gets sorted because the middle bits are a huge pain in the ass. i want my stuff to be graded, i want my life to be balanced, i want my dog to stop trying to shred my quilt and having to go to the bathroom at 2 in the morning. i want every teacher in the school to stop trying to scare me about my period 2. i want to not be lonely. i want to like talking on the phone so people will stop giving me shit. i want my roommate to be around more than 3 hours a week. i want to have enough energy to actually take walks in the evening.
Monday, September 14, 2009
coming up!
i realize it's been forever, i am presently completing an obnoxiously long entry that should be in by tomorrow. i would finish it tonight but i am so tired words are like tiny little ants speaking a rural dialect of mexican while chewing large wads of gum. in other words, my brain can't understand them (the mexican ants OR words)...
me want sleep.
me go sleep.
me post tomorrow.
me you know.
me want sleep.
me go sleep.
me post tomorrow.
me you know.
So now that the truth is out...
... this thing can be moderately less vague. though still respectfully distant.
had planned on getting more sleep on friday then i did and even though i woke up late (as in got out of bed) roscoe had me up twice for walkies which, while i love him and it usually doesn't bother me, has been rough now that I am going to bed later. stuff has been tough lately in general. i don't know if it's that i am no longer used to the schedule of schooling, the whole sarah, situation or what not but it's been a bit of a struggle lately. however, i did promise myself that this year would differ in social habits... i promised myself i would try to hang out with friends and not immerse myself to the point of mania in my school work. i actually managed to achieve this last weekend.
friday was low key but i was exshausted so that was fair.
saturday an old friend of mine (pete) from high school texted me about going to the oyster festival i got wicked excited because there are rides and food outside... we all know how much i love rides and eating food outside. however, when he texted i was in the throws of productivity so i asked if we could go around 5:30 so we planned on walking from the apartment down to the fest (in the big park that was is on the right as you walk towards the ice cream place by the water). we walked down and got there and as it had been raining for the past couple of days the field was wicked soppy and gross. nevertheless we slogged our way over to the food where i got one of the best pulled pork sandwiches i have ever eaten. we wandered around and were generally disappointed by what the fair had to offer (the last time either of us had gone was with a group of friends when we were 17) - there seemed to be more fun stuff then. however, as to not waste the entrance fee we went on one subpar ride and ended up walking back to the apartment.
now for a bit of context - pete i and i were absolutely best friends for two or so years in high school. we grew apart when his then girlfriend decided i was the devil which sucked but i got over it pretty quickly. i didn't hang out with him once our senior year or throughout college or there after. then, one day when sarah and i were at the art supply store back in march we saw him there working and invited him over to hang out (sarah was part of this group of friends as well). he came over like a week later and we all hung out and talked but it felt weird because he was a total stranger. it was the same face, same voice, but he was completely alien which was one of the more bizzare friend experiences i've ever had. i guess i've never hung out with someone after not seeing them for six years. after he left sarah bubbled about how good it was to see him and i was just like "yah, it was" but really i was kind of sad because i figured that because we had been such good friends before, that we'd mesh again but that didn't feel like that was the case. a few weeks later we all went to see a movie and it was the same deal, he just wasn't the pete i remembered. had i not established the resolution of "more socializing" i probably wouldn't have gone to the oyster fest because the last two times i had seen pete it was, as stated not fun. but, in honor of focusing on goals i said sure. things were still weird and unfun down to and back from the oyster fest but started to get a bit better when sarah met up with us after she was done with work to get coffee. later on sarah "had" to go to white plains to see mike/rob. again. before she left i asked if we could get dinner sunday night she surprisingly said yes so i was excited. once sarah left, i had to kick pete out because i was exshausted and wanted to sleep.
even though i settled in shortly after everyone departed, i didn't get much sleep because roscoe apparently drank 5 gallons of water while i wasn't looking... i was up at 2, 5 and 9... i think the reason it's hard is because it breaks up the night and make it feel like i am barely getting any sleep. regardless, i love him - even though sometimes he is so annoying i want to pinch his little puppy ear.
when i finally dragged myself into the daylight world around 11 I had to get ready to go to the new haven ikea - my bookcase had collapsed before leaving for england and i haven't bothered to replace it because it didn't really matter before. now it does. a lot. a) i had no where to put my papers b) i was afraid it would collapse on my curious little puppy. i went at 1:30, got there at 2, had lunch with eva (who is still whining about her new job... even though it's awesome) which was quite nice and then picked out a bookcase with the gift card money i had left over from march. the book case isn't the right color, depth, or height and i am not please. not please at all. however, i needed the bookcase and i had a gift card and it would have been stupid to go anywhere else for it even though that Ikea in particular make me want to gouge my eyes out with one of their economically cut pine slats. I didn't end up getting home until 5:30. i figured i would have a nice break when sarah and i went out to dinner but surprise surprise she didn't stroll in until about 7:30 and had some cheese and crackers and didn't even mention dinner i am 95% sure she forgot, or didn't mention it because she had totally stayed in white plains instead of coming back to hang out with me as planned. but whatever. I stopped building and cleaning around 8:30 when i had to stop from sheer depression at how the day had been wasted. at that point i was too tired to do any work and too angry at myself for wasting time to do anything else so i just laid around...
what it comes down to is even though my resolution is smart and i do need to follow through (both for myself and for the people who care about me), it makes me unprepared for school (well, not as prepared as i'd like). didn't get grading done, didn't get materials developed, didn't get lessons planned as i had wanted to. while it was good to see pete and re-establish a friendship with him and it was good to see eva and i got the bookcase i needed and built it, none of it felt worth it (isn't that awful...) when i look back at this weekend i wish i had done more work, which is sick i realize. last year i had a particularly lovely/ funny outlet that would help me to forget about my work and just relax. nothing else in my life does that, as far as i can tell. with that lovely/ funny outlet no longer active in my life i can't escape the constant pressure of work...
had planned on getting more sleep on friday then i did and even though i woke up late (as in got out of bed) roscoe had me up twice for walkies which, while i love him and it usually doesn't bother me, has been rough now that I am going to bed later. stuff has been tough lately in general. i don't know if it's that i am no longer used to the schedule of schooling, the whole sarah, situation or what not but it's been a bit of a struggle lately. however, i did promise myself that this year would differ in social habits... i promised myself i would try to hang out with friends and not immerse myself to the point of mania in my school work. i actually managed to achieve this last weekend.
friday was low key but i was exshausted so that was fair.
saturday an old friend of mine (pete) from high school texted me about going to the oyster festival i got wicked excited because there are rides and food outside... we all know how much i love rides and eating food outside. however, when he texted i was in the throws of productivity so i asked if we could go around 5:30 so we planned on walking from the apartment down to the fest (in the big park that was is on the right as you walk towards the ice cream place by the water). we walked down and got there and as it had been raining for the past couple of days the field was wicked soppy and gross. nevertheless we slogged our way over to the food where i got one of the best pulled pork sandwiches i have ever eaten. we wandered around and were generally disappointed by what the fair had to offer (the last time either of us had gone was with a group of friends when we were 17) - there seemed to be more fun stuff then. however, as to not waste the entrance fee we went on one subpar ride and ended up walking back to the apartment.
now for a bit of context - pete i and i were absolutely best friends for two or so years in high school. we grew apart when his then girlfriend decided i was the devil which sucked but i got over it pretty quickly. i didn't hang out with him once our senior year or throughout college or there after. then, one day when sarah and i were at the art supply store back in march we saw him there working and invited him over to hang out (sarah was part of this group of friends as well). he came over like a week later and we all hung out and talked but it felt weird because he was a total stranger. it was the same face, same voice, but he was completely alien which was one of the more bizzare friend experiences i've ever had. i guess i've never hung out with someone after not seeing them for six years. after he left sarah bubbled about how good it was to see him and i was just like "yah, it was" but really i was kind of sad because i figured that because we had been such good friends before, that we'd mesh again but that didn't feel like that was the case. a few weeks later we all went to see a movie and it was the same deal, he just wasn't the pete i remembered. had i not established the resolution of "more socializing" i probably wouldn't have gone to the oyster fest because the last two times i had seen pete it was, as stated not fun. but, in honor of focusing on goals i said sure. things were still weird and unfun down to and back from the oyster fest but started to get a bit better when sarah met up with us after she was done with work to get coffee. later on sarah "had" to go to white plains to see mike/rob. again. before she left i asked if we could get dinner sunday night she surprisingly said yes so i was excited. once sarah left, i had to kick pete out because i was exshausted and wanted to sleep.
even though i settled in shortly after everyone departed, i didn't get much sleep because roscoe apparently drank 5 gallons of water while i wasn't looking... i was up at 2, 5 and 9... i think the reason it's hard is because it breaks up the night and make it feel like i am barely getting any sleep. regardless, i love him - even though sometimes he is so annoying i want to pinch his little puppy ear.
when i finally dragged myself into the daylight world around 11 I had to get ready to go to the new haven ikea - my bookcase had collapsed before leaving for england and i haven't bothered to replace it because it didn't really matter before. now it does. a lot. a) i had no where to put my papers b) i was afraid it would collapse on my curious little puppy. i went at 1:30, got there at 2, had lunch with eva (who is still whining about her new job... even though it's awesome) which was quite nice and then picked out a bookcase with the gift card money i had left over from march. the book case isn't the right color, depth, or height and i am not please. not please at all. however, i needed the bookcase and i had a gift card and it would have been stupid to go anywhere else for it even though that Ikea in particular make me want to gouge my eyes out with one of their economically cut pine slats. I didn't end up getting home until 5:30. i figured i would have a nice break when sarah and i went out to dinner but surprise surprise she didn't stroll in until about 7:30 and had some cheese and crackers and didn't even mention dinner i am 95% sure she forgot, or didn't mention it because she had totally stayed in white plains instead of coming back to hang out with me as planned. but whatever. I stopped building and cleaning around 8:30 when i had to stop from sheer depression at how the day had been wasted. at that point i was too tired to do any work and too angry at myself for wasting time to do anything else so i just laid around...
what it comes down to is even though my resolution is smart and i do need to follow through (both for myself and for the people who care about me), it makes me unprepared for school (well, not as prepared as i'd like). didn't get grading done, didn't get materials developed, didn't get lessons planned as i had wanted to. while it was good to see pete and re-establish a friendship with him and it was good to see eva and i got the bookcase i needed and built it, none of it felt worth it (isn't that awful...) when i look back at this weekend i wish i had done more work, which is sick i realize. last year i had a particularly lovely/ funny outlet that would help me to forget about my work and just relax. nothing else in my life does that, as far as i can tell. with that lovely/ funny outlet no longer active in my life i can't escape the constant pressure of work...
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