feeling much better...

... but having a bit of an odd weekend.

got tons of work done yesterday, took the pup to the dog park for the first time which was insanely lovely. it's perfect out, just perfect. cool air, warm sun, painfully blue sky, lovely air. he had a blast and is now sleeping under my feet (after i had to tether him to my desk because he likes to wander around the apartment ripping up paper and stealing undergarments). went to the city on friday to see a friend from high school. it was alright - ended up on bleecker and couldn't stop thinking about april. it was nice to remember but also a bit sad.

... as for the odd bit.

my dad's best friend was diagnosed with prostate cancer. cancer happens often enough and it's not anyone in my immediately family but it's still making me feel off. at first i didn't really know how to feel but my heart decided exactally how i should feel when i was sitting on the couch with my dad and he called another friend (joey lemons) and ended up talking with his wife (the one who's spine got compressed) for a while... this is what my dad said (give or take a word or two)...

"matt (the one with cancer) was having trouble telling me and i ended up finding out from ginny (matt's NUTCASE of an ex-wife who posted it on facebook - yah, she's a winner). i text him "i know" and matt tried to deny it but finally told me about the diagnosis and bone scan. i told him he should let joe know right away because he'll want to help. matt couldn't do it and asked me if i could. of course i said yes because i can't imagine how hard that would be. but when i picked up the phone i just stared at the numbers and couldn't dial for a while. i couldn't believe how hard it was to have to tell one of your best friends one of your other best friends is sick... with cancer."

... that's when his voice broke and i really thought i was going to be sick. i didn't say anything or hug him or anything just then because i knew that would just make it harder for him. when he got off the phone i just had him watch this neat Nat-Geo show about Japanese Makacks (Monkeys) who like to hang out in hot tubs and that made him smile. He just kept telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was to see me (he hadn't seen me for about a week which is odd because I had been over most days with the puppy). He was sad but seemed to be feeling better... and then over the course of the few hours I was there my mom cuddled up to my dad on the couch, gave him a surprise hug in the kitchen, and said "i love you" in a silly voice (i guess i know who i get it from now!)... my mom is TOTALLY not like that ever. in fact, i can't remember the last time i actually physically heard them say "i love you." i've never once doubted that they do but they just don't say it in front of us. on top of that the hugs and cuddles. the last time i saw those things happen so close together was when my grandpa joe died... when i was 11... he must be really hurting and my mom must be trying to make him feel better. i get a little emotionally retarded in situations like this - i don't think i can talk to my dad about this but what i can, will, and will be happy to do is hang out with him more and tell him i love him lots and lots.

ontop of that my cousin vanessa contact me. she is the step daughter of my uncle mike (my mom's brother who disappeared last july). now, vanessa isn't blood related but she might as well be. she was asking if anyone knew where he was and how it's hard to not know where your father was and everytime she hears a helicopter she wonders if he's jumped from the jamestown bridge. my mom never addresses it and when i ask her she just says "he's fine, he's probably just living in a shack in the woods eating squirrels he's killed with a sling shot." but i am not sure - i feel like she's actually letting anyone know how she feels. that's who she is, i understand that. but... i don't know. it was her last "family member." her dad, my grandpa joe (who was the most amazing man ever) died when i was 11, her mother, my grandma june, for all intensive purposes did too, and now uncle mike is gone. i know she has us kids and my dad but there is nothing that can ever really replace parents or siblings and on holidays, mother's day, father's day, and birthdays i feel so sad for her that it almost makes me awkward around her (because i'd obviously never say anything to her...)

so with uncle mike and matt i am feeling a bit sad - nothing too extreme just unsettled, i guess.

those things aside, i've been feeling so so so so much better. still struggling with balancing life and work but i have a feeling that will just never ever get better so i might as well get used to it in anyway that i can.

i am going to go and grade papers while watching tommy boy.